For some reason the last three or four days has been extremely difficult for me in regards to Alana.  I have much more time on my hands now.  I am not used to having this extra time.  I call it, "empty space".  Because of this extra time, I start thinking.  I find myself asking, "What if."  What if she did not get a perforated bowel, would she still be here?  At that point everything went bad with her, surgery after surgery.  What if her liver was better, would she had been in a better place to fight off infections and recovery from the surgeries with more strength.  In my heart, I know that God was and is in control, but my mind keeps thinking of the "what if's".  Maybe it's just because I miss her so much.  There are just so many reminders.

   My four year old daughter continues to ask everyday about Alana.  She asked me yesterday where Alana's bed was.  Sometimes she tells me that her sister is in heaven and that she can talk now.  The other day she had an argument with her seven year old brother regarding Alana.  She told him that Alana was playing in heaven.  Her brother told her that, "Heaven was not a paradise playground".  That did put a smile on my face.  Antonio likes to write notes and color pictures for Alana.  He also likes to make songs about her.  I can tell the little ones miss Alana very much.

   Yesterday, I took my four year old daughter to CCMC for a couple of medical appointments.  It was strange to go to these appointments and have it not be for Alana.  It was also hard for some of the doctors and nurses to see me there without Alana.  They all miss her deeply.  Alana did not just have us as her family, she also had Children's here in CT as her family too.  We called Children's, Alana's second home.

   I wanted to mention that my sons hand surgery went well.  He has a follow-up this morning at 8:00. I will get a chance to see it when I take him to his appointment.  Hopefully all will be well with his finger.  He is having a hard time with the pain, but I told him in time that will get better.  It just takes time to heal.

   Thank you for those who continue to pray for our family and for those who send cards with beautiful words of encouragement.  It has been a blessing to me and my family to know that people take the time to pray for us and send words of encouragement.

   God is good.