Life Continues On!!

     We will be heading to Mt Sinai Children's Hospital in  NY on March 19th for Alana's memorial service.  That date has been changed many times, but this time its a good date.  I am looking forward to seeing all the nurses, doctors and Child Life people again.  At times I speak with some of them on the phone.  They were all such a big part of our lives.  Having this memorial will give the people that cared for Alana some closer.

     On March 11th my husband and I will be headed to New Hampshire to see our daughter Ashlee, compete in vocal solo, vocal group and choir.  This is her last year of high school and we are trying to make sure we do not miss the "big things."  We are both looking forward to hearing her sing.  The Lord has blessed her with such a beautiful voice.  It's hard to believe that we will have three children out of high school.  Time sure goes by quickly.

     Antonio has been doing well with his health.  This has been the best winter in about 4 years regarding his health.  I believe it is due to the fact that I now homeschool him.  When he was in school he would just pick up every illness that passed by him.  He is doing very well with his schooling.  I love teaching him.   Basketball is also going well with him.  Each week we see more and more improvements in his skills.  It is quite fun to see these 7 year olds "trying" to play basketball.  The kids love it whether or not they win or loose.

     Aubree is having the time of her life in gymnastics.  She cannot get enough if it.  She told her teacher she wanted to do it everyday, all day.  Right now she is going once a week, but I think she will start going twice a week.  The teacher said he would love to have Aubree twice a week.  He is amazed at her strength and flexibility.  I was telling a friend the other day, that when Aubree is out on the gymnastics floor she is a different person.  She is completely in her element.

     Our two older boys are doing well.  The second to oldest, Aaron, will be finishing up his sophomore year in college.  He is about to become an EMT in a few weeks.  We are all excited about that.  His goal is to be a doctor.  Aaron is also continuing on with his music along with his older brother, Austin.  Austin is now fully recovered from his finger surgery due to a shattered pinky finger.  He has been looking for a job for awhile now.  Hopefully soon a job will become available to him.  Please pray for Austin to get a job soon.

    God, in His faithfulness, continues to give us the strength that we need each and every day.  Some days are better than others, some weeks are better than others, some nights are better than others.  God is good.

     These are our three beautiful older children.  From left to right, Aaron 20, Ashlee 18, and Austin 21.

Brokenhearted!!

   This has been by far the most difficult week thus far since Alana's death.  The pain just seems to hit without any warning.  It has been almost unbearable at times with loosing my baby.  All the old feeling that I had thought where gone came flooding back, especially anger.  Not anger towards God but just over the fact that she is not here.  Yet, I would never want her to have to suffer like she did.

   Yesterday was particularly difficult.  It is now 2 months since Alana has been gone.  I could not stop crying and I felt like I could not deal with any of this anymore.  Once again, God is so faithful.  I felt His warm arms around me, letting me know that I can continue on.  God brought to my mind, my children, my husband my family, my friends and how much they all care and pray.

   I did feel bad for having all these feelings of anger, sadness, and despair in my heart but my mother let me know that it is okay and that it is normal to go through this.  My mother knows first hand about loosing someone.  Her husband, my father and her father, my grandfather have both passed away in the past five years.

   I friend of my husband sent us a book titled, Devotions for the Brokenhearted Hope for the Grieving.  I just started reading the book.  The person who wrote the book, knew first hand about loosing a child.  God gave that family the strength to continue on and I know that it will happen for me and my family.  It just takes time.

...Because God has said,

"Never will I leave you;

never will I forsake you."

So we say with confidence,

"The Lord is my helper; I will not be afraid..."

Hebrews 13:5-6

  

   

   Thank you for praying for my friend Kasey.  She is doing better, but still needs your prayers.  Thank you.

God is good.

Out of the Mouth of Babes!!

 

Aubree(2/4/10): "Alana is sad she wants to come down from the clouds."  I respond; "Alana is with Jesus now, she will not be coming back."  "Oh", said Aubree.

Aubree(2/11/10): Aubree has been singing for 20 minutes a song that she made up about Alana while she was playing in her room.  The words were simply, "Alana, come down."  She sang just these three words over and over.  I finally went to her room to ask her what she was singing.  Her response was, "A song."  I asked her is she could sing it for me.  At first she was shy about it, but eventually she sang it again.  I asked Aubree why she wanted Alana to come down.  Her answer was so very sweet.  "I want Alana to come play with me, I have all my piggy's out and other toys.  She needs to play in my room."  Once again, I had to tell her Alana is with Jesus and will not be coming back.  "Oh", she said again.

Antonio and Aubree(2/12/10): This was a conversation that the two of them had in my car as I was driving.  "Aubree, did you know that Alana's body is here, but her soul is in heaven?  She is watching us.  She is in our car right now, right over there."  "Where", said Aubree.  "We can't see her, but she is here.  When we die then we can go to heaven and she Alana," said Antonio.  "She is not coming back!", said Aubree.  "I know that Aubree, she is in heaven walking perfectly, jumping rope and she can talk right.  She can say, Antonio, Aubree and other words like a big person.  She doesn't talk like a baby anymore."

I love to here these conversations that the little one's have about Alana.  In one way it is helping to heal my broken heart.  Children are just so simple and uncomplicated.  Their minds do not get all mixed up and wrapped up in the sorrows of the world.  They seem to just move on.  I have been trying to look through their eyes when I am feeling overwhelmed at times with Alana's death.  I am thankful for my two little one's.  They don't even know that they are helping their mother.  God works in mysterious ways.  God is good.

Etched forever in my Heart!

 

This is the picture of Alana Kay that a friend of ours rendered from a photo that we gave.  We had this picture displayed at her funeral.  It was placed right next to her casket.  He did such a beautiful job in capturing Alana so perfectly.  The picture hangs in our living room above our piano.  Everyday we get to see her beautiful self.

A couple days ago my four year old daughter said to me; "Mommy, Alana is sad because she wants to come down from the clouds."  How cute is that?  Out of the mouth of babes.  I asked Aubree where Alana is and she told me she is in heaven.  I also asked her who is with her and she said, God.  We think she is starting to understand that Alana will not be coming back.

 

Monday, December 14, 2009 was the last day that I spent time with Alana, alive.  This was the picutre that I took when I walked in her room after arriving from CT.  She looked so peaceful and sweet that I had to take the picture.  She had just started sucking on her two middle fingers a few days before this picture was taken.  When she woke up she was very excited to see my.  I laid with her in her bed most of the day.  We just snuggled.  Every once in awhile she would caress my face and stare at me.  I did take mental note of what she was doing because she had never before caressed my face or stared at me like she did that day.  I think she new something was going to happen.

Late that afternoon about 5:30pm, Alana was taken to surgery to get the layer of Integra taken off.  I was able to go with her and bring her into the O.R.  Another mental note was taken, Alana did not cry as she was wheeled into the O.R.  All the other times that I had walked with her to the O.R. she cried and would make sure I was right there.  That day she did not cry but, she did make sure I was walking right next to her as they wheeled her on the stretcher.  That was the last time Alana was awake, the last time that I saw her awake.  I believe Alana new she was going to see Jesus in a few days.

 

This is what I had to wear when I walked Alana into the O.R. on Dec 14, 2009.

I will never forget that day, how it began and how it ended.  It was a peaceful day for the both of us.  I am glad that the Lord allowed me to have that special day with my daughter.  God knew what was going to happen, He was in control of this day from the beginning of time.  How awesome is that.  Alana and I were able to color, paint, blow bubbles, sing songs and  snuggle.  That day is etched in my heart forever.  December 14, 2009 is my Valentines Day, my "little sweetheart".

God is so good.

Please pray for my good friend Kasey.  She is having surgery tomorrow.  It is an extensive surgery.  She will be laid up for about a month and has a two year old.  She is going to need God's grace.

Interviews!!

My husband had his interview with Telemundo this past Monday.  It was quite exciting.  The woman who interviewed my husband and the camera man traveled 2 1/2 hours from Manhattan, NY.  They were here for about  3 1/2 hours.  Of course, I did not understand a word they were saying.  It was all in Spanish.  My husbands mother and sister were here so they interpreted to me what was being said.  At the end of the interview my husband drew a picture of the interviewer.  She enjoyed that.  The interview will be aired Feb. 8 at 6:30 pm on Telemundo.

On Monday evening my husband received a phone call from Stan Simpson.  He has a show called the Stan Simpson Show on Fox 61.  He is doing an interview on my husband this afternoon.   Stan saw the article about my husband in the newspaper and wanted to do an interview.  This has been a great and exciting time for my husband.  He has had many ups and downs with his artwork.  He is hoping this will change everything for him as far as his artwork goes.  Alana has spurred him on.  She has taught him to just keep persevering.  I will let you know when this show will be aired.

Either Feb. 24 or 25 we will be headed to Mt Sinai Children's Hospital in NY for Alana's Memorial Service.  I'm looking forward to seeing all the doctors and nurses again, but am a little apprehensive about re-hashing everything and seeing the places in the hospital where Alana was.  I don't know if I can go back to the ICU.  I have been praying about all this and I will, without a doubt need the Lord's strength.

The nurses and doctors at Mt Sinai need a chance to put closer to Alana's death.  She was at Mt Sinai for about 7 months.  They were like Alana's second family.  When I was not able to be there, many of the nurses treated her like she was their own daughter.  It made my husband and I feel comfortable when we would have to leave her for a few days at a time throughout her stay in the hospital.

I am continuing to ask for prayers for Eithene Rose and Noah.  These are families that I have been following through blogs and CaringBridge since Alana was at Mt Sinai.  Their children also have many health issues.  Please keep them in your prayers.


Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles,
 bubbles everywhere.
My mommy blows me bubbles,
 that fall gently on my hair.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles,
 bubbles that tickle my nose.
I love to watch the bubbles,
 float high and then sink low.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles,
 bubbles that I can pop.
With my little fingers,
  I can make the bubbles stop.

Bubbles, bubbles, bubbles,
 bubbles were my favorite toy.
Whenever mommy blew bubbles,
 my heart sang with joy.

Love Mama
I miss blowing bubbles to you girly, girl.

God is good.